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Heartbeat (Daniel/Vala, canon-verse, PG-13)
{{WARNINGS: Adult situations, cursing, epic angst and sadness and character death. Spoilers for "Unending." This is my headcanon interpretation of some events from that episode, based on the commentary.}}
“Daniel, I’m pregnant.”
Vala stared into the blue eyes in front of her. The words felt heavy on her tongue.
“Daniel. I’m pregnant.”
Once again, she was met with expected silence. She looked down and then back up at the mirror. Her face reflected back, emotionless, still in the silent room.
She could feel the hum of the ship around her, hear the heartbeat of the life in the hulls that surrounded and protected them all from the wolf kept at precarious bay outside the door. It was as if the years spent there had suddenly halted into a single moment; a moment that hadn’t happened yet. She was waiting, waiting for the right time to tell him. Vala just didn’t know how to yet.
Turing her back to the image in the mirror, Vala sunk onto the toilet seat and buried her face into her hands. She felt like she should cry, but the truth of the matter was, she really didn’t want to.
***
He rocked over her gently, his lips pressed against hers as their bodies moved in unison. She loved the way he held her; the way his hands passed over her forehead to stroke her hair, they way he murmured her name into the night. Vala had spent so much of her life running, desperate to elude her the ruins of her past by building the most unpredictable of futures. Never before had she dreamed she would end up trapped on that ship, sighing into the arms of her lover, clinging to a moment she didn’t want to end. The tighter Daniel held her, the more free she felt.
As the muted light of the stars spattering the darkness of space spilled through the window, she knew she needed to tell him. She lay on his chest, the rhythmic movement of breathing lulling her into a peaceful quiet. He was still awake; it always took him so long to fall asleep these days. She knew his mind was reeling with the things he learned from the Asgard database, and she never begrudged him his nightly thoughts. After all, for as much as he was wrapped up in his work, it was always Vala who was wrapped in his arms.
And maybe that was why she hesitated. Would he be angry, or scared? Would he reject the fact that their union was going to bring yet another cursed life into this glamorous cage, and become yet another reminder of the fate they had fallen prey to? She worried he would blame her, and that it would be enough for him to push her away.
Worst, she wasn’t sure what she would do. Vala couldn’t wrap her mind around the idea of being a mother again. She had rejected Adria, but she had never wanted to be a mother in the first place. This time was completely different; it had been consensual. It had been love. But that didn’t mean she thought she could do it alone.
“Vala.”
Her head shot up, and she peered at Daniel in the dark. “What is it?”
“Vala, you’re shaking.”
She pulled away from the warmth of his body, gathering up the sheets and sitting up. Daniel sat up too, moving closer to her and gently stroking the hair from her face. He didn’t have his glasses on, and when she looked at him, he squinted into the darkness, as if he was trying to find her.
“Darling...” Her voice stuck in her throat.
He leaned in, pressing her on, in his own quiet way. “What’s going on?”
Vala dropped her head, and she examined the fabric of the sheets for a moment before she could find her voice and speak again. “Have you ever thought about having children?”
She felt him stiffen, suddenly on guard. He knew she was testing him, but his voice betrayed confusion as to why. “Sure. When... Well, when Sha’re and I were married, I guess I thought it would be inevitable. But after... It just never crossed my mind.” He paused, as if waiting for some kind of explanation, and only continued when it never came. “Is this about Adria?”
Vala scowled. “Not... exactly.”
“Vala, we’ve been through this. And we’re here now on this ship and you can’t change what happened. This isn’t your fault.”
That stung, because Vala certainly didn’t think it was her fault. It scared her to think that was the first conclusion Daniel jumped to.
“This isn’t about Adria, it’s about me. It’s about the fact that I’m not sure I could ever be a mother. Raising a baby on this ship is insane, isn’t it?”
Daniel was floundering, and she knew it. He was completely lost, and confused, and probably tired, and this conversation wasn’t going exactly the way she had planned it.
“If you want to have a baby, we can talk about it. It’s completely natural for you to want that, even if it’s a little unrealistic given the circumstances. Maybe once Sam figures out how to get us out of here...” His voice petered off, because they both knew that was a distant hope. Vala had long ago accepted that they weren’t going to find a way out, and even if no one else would admit it, it was a tired debate.
“It’s too late to talk about it, Daniel.”
The hum of the ship filled the empty room. Their warm bed was silent, but there didn’t need to be words. Two years ago, something had changed between them, and Vala and Daniel had learned that words were the language barrier between them. Instead they learned to speak the language of their souls; he knew the way her eyes moved when she was happy, and when she was sad, and even when she lying. She learned the way his shoulders stiffened when he was mad, and the way his face softened when he was ready to listen. And in that moment, without a word between them, she knew he finally understood what she had been trying to say.
She looked up at him, their eyes meeting in the darkness, and he found her. Daniel’s voice broke through the heartbeat of the night.
“You better not be messing with me.” And then, he smiled.
***
Samantha, however, cried.
“I can’t believe it,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around Vala’s shoulders and pulling her in close. When she finally backed away, Sam pawed her tears away with her palms, smiling and shaking her head. “This is wonderful.”
Vala had wanted to tell Sam and Teal’c, while Daniel fielded Mitchell and Landry. They both weren’t sure what to expect from the rest of the team, but as far as they were concerned, the decision had already been made. The look on Sam’s face was more than enough to assure Vala they were doing the right thing.
“You’re going to need new clothes. And we’ll need a nursery. And toys.” Sam wrung her hands together and busied herself back around her lab, but she was obviously too distracted to think about work. “How did Daniel take it?”
“Surprisingly well,” Vala replied. “He’s telling Landry and Mitchell now. You need to help me tell Teal’c.”
With a shy smile, Sam sat down in her chair and nodded. “He’s going to be very happy for you.”
Vala wasn’t the only one who had noticed the ever tightening friendship between Teal’c and Samantha, and she certainly wasn’t the only one waiting for it to become more. Never a romantic, even Vala had learned that they all had to find their own happiness on the wretched ship, one way or another.
“I know it’s a bit early, but I was hoping you would be the one to help me, when the time comes,” Vala said. She leaned against one of the consoles gingerly, doing her best not to hit any buttons.
Sam laughed. “Too bad Doctor Lam isn’t here. I’ll do my best, but I’m not exactly an expert.”
“Neither am I,” Vala whispered.
***
She learned very quickly that she wasn't going to be alone. Her fears quelled as the congratulatory words from the team rolled in, and before long, it became apparent that they were not two parents in this situation. Mitchell and Landry already decided that he was going to learn all about fighter planes, while Sam was convinced that she was going to be a brilliant astrophysicist. Teal’c didn’t seem to care one way or the other, just if whatever it was learned a fair amount of hand to hand combat.
Daniel and Vala agreed that all they cared about was that it came out with ten fingers, ten toes, and no inherent need to command an intergalactic army.
Progressively, Daniel spent less time in with his studies and more time with Vala. They would talk, and laugh, and prepare, and make love. One night, she lay on her back in bed, Daniel curled at her side. He ran his hand over the lines of her stomach, as if searching for the beginnings of a growing mound.
“They say it’s good if you read to them in the womb,” Daniel remarked.
Vala giggled. “It doesn’t even have ears yet, Daniel.”
“Well, maybe it’s just a good idea if I read to you, then.”
She swatted him playfully, and he caught her hand. He kissed her fingertips and then pressed both of their palms, together, on her stomach.
“I just can’t believe we did this. We’re making a person, Vala. Everything we’ve done the last few years... Fighting the Goa’uld, and the Ori, and freeing people from slavery. Maybe this is why. Maybe this the point.”
Vala looked down at him from her comfortable place on the pillow, and she shook her head. “I think you might be right.”
“We need to start thinking about names pretty soon, you know,” Daniel said. “I mean, I know we have like... 7 months, but there’s a lot of names to narrow down.”
“Teal’c’s already taken care of that for us,” she laughed.
“Let me guess... Luke if it’s a boy and Leia if it’s a girl?”
She cackled playfully, turning to her side. “Both if it’s twins.”
Daniel moved up to lay next to her, taking him into his arms and holding her close. Vala sighed, happily, and tucked her head beneath his chin.
“Vala, I...” he hesitated then, and punctuated his sentence by kissing her on the head.
“I know, Daniel,” she assured him gently. “I know.”
***
It became real to them all when Landry started to build the crib. He seemed perfectly happy to take a small time away from his well manicured plants to concentrate on the project. They all busied their days the same as always; Daniel studying, Sam looking for a way to outsmart her own programming, and Vala helping out as best she could. But there was a fervor to what they did, and a new reason as to why they did it.
And Vala, especially, was overcome by the new spirit that had been created within the halls of the vast ship. Her child would grow up never knowing what it was like not to be loved. That in itself, she decided, was miracle enough.
Meal times where once again filled with talk and laughter, plans and plots. Debates over names and clothes became the norm, and optimistic talk of what wonderful things they would do when they got back to Earth lifted all of their spirits. The days begun to pass more quickly, gentle and fleeting. For a handful of weeks, Vala thought maybe they had found a way to capture happiness in the bubble that held them, and she wanted to make it last for the rest of their lives.
***
At first, Vala thought the glow of the energy beam through the window was what had awoken her.
She felt cold, which was strange for the ship, since the controls were always set at the just the right level. Her body was trembling, and she moved her head to the side, looking for the familiar shape of Daniel next to her. But she was alone.
It wasn’t until she tried to sit up that she realized she couldn’t move. And just as that understanding hit her, so did an unbearable wave of pain.
Vala screamed, trying to force her body to move, but she was paralyzed by blossoming pain in her stomach.
The doors slid open and the light from the hallway blinded her. She was still crying out, trying to find movement enough in her body to cling to something. Her fingers grasped at the blankets, and they felt wet, and cold.
“Vala? Vala!” Daniel ran into the room, switching on the light, and Vala writhed in the blinding brightness that surrounded her. And then he froze, staring at her from across the room.
Vala followed his gaze to look down at the bed. The blue blankets seemed darker than she remembered them. Confused, she found the strength to lift her hand, and she stared at the bright red blood, mottled and terrible against her pale skin.
Then she looked up. “Daniel,” she whispered.
Her voice, somehow, broke the spell, and Daniel ran to her side, his face contorted in panic, and he struggled to pull the blankets off of her. All Vala could see was the blood; so much blood, everywhere. Too much blood.
“Vala, hang on. Fuck, please just hang on...”
She heard him run to the inter-comm, yelling for Sam, his voice echoing across the ship. She could feel him near her, whispering words she couldn’t translate, and between the waves of pain that broke inside of her, all she could really see was the blood. At some point, all of them came; Sam’s sure voice barking orders, the guys scrambling to find supplies. Soldiers on the battlefield, fighting to save something that was already lost forever.
Vala felt Daniel’s hand curl around hers, but his encouraging whispers did nothing to fight through the fog around her. Her head fell to the side, and she stared out the window, watching the distant stars twinkle and dance in the vacuum of space.
***
Years later, Samantha and Vala sat at the table, staring out at the energy burst from the Ori ship, seemingly frozen in time. Their plates of food went cold before them.
“Vala... Did you and Daniel ever decide what you wanted to name her?”
Vala looked at Sam for a moment. She knew it wasn’t a question meant to hurt her; it had happened long ago. The pain from the miscarriage was one that had faded in time.
“What brought on that?” Vala asked, but her question was hardly defensive.
Sam, however, looked embarassed. “I just always wondered. We spent all that time tossing around ideas and it never seemed right to call her anything after...” Her voice faded, and she looked out the window again.
Vala smiled kindly, poking her cold food with a fork. “Daniel wanted to name her Nadia.”
Samantha nodded stoically. “That’s a beautiful name. Do you know what it means?”
“Hope.”
The ship was quiet, the engines that kept it suspended in space humming away continually, same as the day it had been created. It was a lullaby that echoed up and down empty halls, filling the forgotten voids in between the slow passage of time, clinging desperately to the six lives that were always one heartbeat short of living.
“Daniel, I’m pregnant.”
Vala stared into the blue eyes in front of her. The words felt heavy on her tongue.
“Daniel. I’m pregnant.”
Once again, she was met with expected silence. She looked down and then back up at the mirror. Her face reflected back, emotionless, still in the silent room.
She could feel the hum of the ship around her, hear the heartbeat of the life in the hulls that surrounded and protected them all from the wolf kept at precarious bay outside the door. It was as if the years spent there had suddenly halted into a single moment; a moment that hadn’t happened yet. She was waiting, waiting for the right time to tell him. Vala just didn’t know how to yet.
Turing her back to the image in the mirror, Vala sunk onto the toilet seat and buried her face into her hands. She felt like she should cry, but the truth of the matter was, she really didn’t want to.
***
He rocked over her gently, his lips pressed against hers as their bodies moved in unison. She loved the way he held her; the way his hands passed over her forehead to stroke her hair, they way he murmured her name into the night. Vala had spent so much of her life running, desperate to elude her the ruins of her past by building the most unpredictable of futures. Never before had she dreamed she would end up trapped on that ship, sighing into the arms of her lover, clinging to a moment she didn’t want to end. The tighter Daniel held her, the more free she felt.
As the muted light of the stars spattering the darkness of space spilled through the window, she knew she needed to tell him. She lay on his chest, the rhythmic movement of breathing lulling her into a peaceful quiet. He was still awake; it always took him so long to fall asleep these days. She knew his mind was reeling with the things he learned from the Asgard database, and she never begrudged him his nightly thoughts. After all, for as much as he was wrapped up in his work, it was always Vala who was wrapped in his arms.
And maybe that was why she hesitated. Would he be angry, or scared? Would he reject the fact that their union was going to bring yet another cursed life into this glamorous cage, and become yet another reminder of the fate they had fallen prey to? She worried he would blame her, and that it would be enough for him to push her away.
Worst, she wasn’t sure what she would do. Vala couldn’t wrap her mind around the idea of being a mother again. She had rejected Adria, but she had never wanted to be a mother in the first place. This time was completely different; it had been consensual. It had been love. But that didn’t mean she thought she could do it alone.
“Vala.”
Her head shot up, and she peered at Daniel in the dark. “What is it?”
“Vala, you’re shaking.”
She pulled away from the warmth of his body, gathering up the sheets and sitting up. Daniel sat up too, moving closer to her and gently stroking the hair from her face. He didn’t have his glasses on, and when she looked at him, he squinted into the darkness, as if he was trying to find her.
“Darling...” Her voice stuck in her throat.
He leaned in, pressing her on, in his own quiet way. “What’s going on?”
Vala dropped her head, and she examined the fabric of the sheets for a moment before she could find her voice and speak again. “Have you ever thought about having children?”
She felt him stiffen, suddenly on guard. He knew she was testing him, but his voice betrayed confusion as to why. “Sure. When... Well, when Sha’re and I were married, I guess I thought it would be inevitable. But after... It just never crossed my mind.” He paused, as if waiting for some kind of explanation, and only continued when it never came. “Is this about Adria?”
Vala scowled. “Not... exactly.”
“Vala, we’ve been through this. And we’re here now on this ship and you can’t change what happened. This isn’t your fault.”
That stung, because Vala certainly didn’t think it was her fault. It scared her to think that was the first conclusion Daniel jumped to.
“This isn’t about Adria, it’s about me. It’s about the fact that I’m not sure I could ever be a mother. Raising a baby on this ship is insane, isn’t it?”
Daniel was floundering, and she knew it. He was completely lost, and confused, and probably tired, and this conversation wasn’t going exactly the way she had planned it.
“If you want to have a baby, we can talk about it. It’s completely natural for you to want that, even if it’s a little unrealistic given the circumstances. Maybe once Sam figures out how to get us out of here...” His voice petered off, because they both knew that was a distant hope. Vala had long ago accepted that they weren’t going to find a way out, and even if no one else would admit it, it was a tired debate.
“It’s too late to talk about it, Daniel.”
The hum of the ship filled the empty room. Their warm bed was silent, but there didn’t need to be words. Two years ago, something had changed between them, and Vala and Daniel had learned that words were the language barrier between them. Instead they learned to speak the language of their souls; he knew the way her eyes moved when she was happy, and when she was sad, and even when she lying. She learned the way his shoulders stiffened when he was mad, and the way his face softened when he was ready to listen. And in that moment, without a word between them, she knew he finally understood what she had been trying to say.
She looked up at him, their eyes meeting in the darkness, and he found her. Daniel’s voice broke through the heartbeat of the night.
“You better not be messing with me.” And then, he smiled.
***
Samantha, however, cried.
“I can’t believe it,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around Vala’s shoulders and pulling her in close. When she finally backed away, Sam pawed her tears away with her palms, smiling and shaking her head. “This is wonderful.”
Vala had wanted to tell Sam and Teal’c, while Daniel fielded Mitchell and Landry. They both weren’t sure what to expect from the rest of the team, but as far as they were concerned, the decision had already been made. The look on Sam’s face was more than enough to assure Vala they were doing the right thing.
“You’re going to need new clothes. And we’ll need a nursery. And toys.” Sam wrung her hands together and busied herself back around her lab, but she was obviously too distracted to think about work. “How did Daniel take it?”
“Surprisingly well,” Vala replied. “He’s telling Landry and Mitchell now. You need to help me tell Teal’c.”
With a shy smile, Sam sat down in her chair and nodded. “He’s going to be very happy for you.”
Vala wasn’t the only one who had noticed the ever tightening friendship between Teal’c and Samantha, and she certainly wasn’t the only one waiting for it to become more. Never a romantic, even Vala had learned that they all had to find their own happiness on the wretched ship, one way or another.
“I know it’s a bit early, but I was hoping you would be the one to help me, when the time comes,” Vala said. She leaned against one of the consoles gingerly, doing her best not to hit any buttons.
Sam laughed. “Too bad Doctor Lam isn’t here. I’ll do my best, but I’m not exactly an expert.”
“Neither am I,” Vala whispered.
***
She learned very quickly that she wasn't going to be alone. Her fears quelled as the congratulatory words from the team rolled in, and before long, it became apparent that they were not two parents in this situation. Mitchell and Landry already decided that he was going to learn all about fighter planes, while Sam was convinced that she was going to be a brilliant astrophysicist. Teal’c didn’t seem to care one way or the other, just if whatever it was learned a fair amount of hand to hand combat.
Daniel and Vala agreed that all they cared about was that it came out with ten fingers, ten toes, and no inherent need to command an intergalactic army.
Progressively, Daniel spent less time in with his studies and more time with Vala. They would talk, and laugh, and prepare, and make love. One night, she lay on her back in bed, Daniel curled at her side. He ran his hand over the lines of her stomach, as if searching for the beginnings of a growing mound.
“They say it’s good if you read to them in the womb,” Daniel remarked.
Vala giggled. “It doesn’t even have ears yet, Daniel.”
“Well, maybe it’s just a good idea if I read to you, then.”
She swatted him playfully, and he caught her hand. He kissed her fingertips and then pressed both of their palms, together, on her stomach.
“I just can’t believe we did this. We’re making a person, Vala. Everything we’ve done the last few years... Fighting the Goa’uld, and the Ori, and freeing people from slavery. Maybe this is why. Maybe this the point.”
Vala looked down at him from her comfortable place on the pillow, and she shook her head. “I think you might be right.”
“We need to start thinking about names pretty soon, you know,” Daniel said. “I mean, I know we have like... 7 months, but there’s a lot of names to narrow down.”
“Teal’c’s already taken care of that for us,” she laughed.
“Let me guess... Luke if it’s a boy and Leia if it’s a girl?”
She cackled playfully, turning to her side. “Both if it’s twins.”
Daniel moved up to lay next to her, taking him into his arms and holding her close. Vala sighed, happily, and tucked her head beneath his chin.
“Vala, I...” he hesitated then, and punctuated his sentence by kissing her on the head.
“I know, Daniel,” she assured him gently. “I know.”
***
It became real to them all when Landry started to build the crib. He seemed perfectly happy to take a small time away from his well manicured plants to concentrate on the project. They all busied their days the same as always; Daniel studying, Sam looking for a way to outsmart her own programming, and Vala helping out as best she could. But there was a fervor to what they did, and a new reason as to why they did it.
And Vala, especially, was overcome by the new spirit that had been created within the halls of the vast ship. Her child would grow up never knowing what it was like not to be loved. That in itself, she decided, was miracle enough.
Meal times where once again filled with talk and laughter, plans and plots. Debates over names and clothes became the norm, and optimistic talk of what wonderful things they would do when they got back to Earth lifted all of their spirits. The days begun to pass more quickly, gentle and fleeting. For a handful of weeks, Vala thought maybe they had found a way to capture happiness in the bubble that held them, and she wanted to make it last for the rest of their lives.
***
At first, Vala thought the glow of the energy beam through the window was what had awoken her.
She felt cold, which was strange for the ship, since the controls were always set at the just the right level. Her body was trembling, and she moved her head to the side, looking for the familiar shape of Daniel next to her. But she was alone.
It wasn’t until she tried to sit up that she realized she couldn’t move. And just as that understanding hit her, so did an unbearable wave of pain.
Vala screamed, trying to force her body to move, but she was paralyzed by blossoming pain in her stomach.
The doors slid open and the light from the hallway blinded her. She was still crying out, trying to find movement enough in her body to cling to something. Her fingers grasped at the blankets, and they felt wet, and cold.
“Vala? Vala!” Daniel ran into the room, switching on the light, and Vala writhed in the blinding brightness that surrounded her. And then he froze, staring at her from across the room.
Vala followed his gaze to look down at the bed. The blue blankets seemed darker than she remembered them. Confused, she found the strength to lift her hand, and she stared at the bright red blood, mottled and terrible against her pale skin.
Then she looked up. “Daniel,” she whispered.
Her voice, somehow, broke the spell, and Daniel ran to her side, his face contorted in panic, and he struggled to pull the blankets off of her. All Vala could see was the blood; so much blood, everywhere. Too much blood.
“Vala, hang on. Fuck, please just hang on...”
She heard him run to the inter-comm, yelling for Sam, his voice echoing across the ship. She could feel him near her, whispering words she couldn’t translate, and between the waves of pain that broke inside of her, all she could really see was the blood. At some point, all of them came; Sam’s sure voice barking orders, the guys scrambling to find supplies. Soldiers on the battlefield, fighting to save something that was already lost forever.
Vala felt Daniel’s hand curl around hers, but his encouraging whispers did nothing to fight through the fog around her. Her head fell to the side, and she stared out the window, watching the distant stars twinkle and dance in the vacuum of space.
***
Years later, Samantha and Vala sat at the table, staring out at the energy burst from the Ori ship, seemingly frozen in time. Their plates of food went cold before them.
“Vala... Did you and Daniel ever decide what you wanted to name her?”
Vala looked at Sam for a moment. She knew it wasn’t a question meant to hurt her; it had happened long ago. The pain from the miscarriage was one that had faded in time.
“What brought on that?” Vala asked, but her question was hardly defensive.
Sam, however, looked embarassed. “I just always wondered. We spent all that time tossing around ideas and it never seemed right to call her anything after...” Her voice faded, and she looked out the window again.
Vala smiled kindly, poking her cold food with a fork. “Daniel wanted to name her Nadia.”
Samantha nodded stoically. “That’s a beautiful name. Do you know what it means?”
“Hope.”
The ship was quiet, the engines that kept it suspended in space humming away continually, same as the day it had been created. It was a lullaby that echoed up and down empty halls, filling the forgotten voids in between the slow passage of time, clinging desperately to the six lives that were always one heartbeat short of living.
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